Hash Story

The year is 2072, Pole Dancer has left his mortal coil surrounded by a bevy of Hooters girls on a water bed. He sees a bright light and pearly gates. There is a man with white hair and a warm smile at the gates. Pole has never seen him before, but feels he has known him his entire life.

ST. PETER: Hello, old friend.

POLE: Is this Heaven? Am I in the right place?

ST. PETER: It sure ain’t Iowa. Let’ see if you are in the right place. Hmm, Dancer, Pole: Winner of two Olympic medals, Secretary of the Interior under President Chelsea Clinton and President Jenna Bush, saved a cat from a tree once, smiled often. I would say you are in the right place. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It says you were a member of the UHHH circa 2005-06. Sorry, down you go.

St. Peter pulls a level, and Pole falls through the clouds, and ends up in a pit surround by fire. There is a man with white hair and a warm smile holding a beer. Pole has seen him before. It’s Rigor Mortis.

RIGOR: Hiya, buddy, grab a beer

POLE: Are we in hell?

RIGOR: You bet. We’re all here. Let me show you around. There’s Seven Seconds, Noodle, Once Bitten, Pink, Ass Pocket, Late Bloomer, Busted Cummer…

POLE: Wait, what is that next to Lady Long Legs? It looks like a zombie Daily Newd. But he’s still alive and doing three shows a week in Vegas.

RIGOR: Technically, the only thing left of Daily Newd is his brain and cerebral cortex. The rest was donated, amputated, and replaced. All those parts found their way to hell over time and reformed.

POLE: I guess that explains the ‘fro.

LADY LONG LEGS: I kind of like him better this way. He doesn’t go on and on about Izzo anymore.

RIGOR: Come on, we are about to start trail. Chair Banger is finally hareing.

POLE: It’s about time. Wait, where’s I Do for Now?

RIGOR: Funny thing. After being married 10 times and having 10 different mother-in-laws, God felt he had suffered enough. He went to Heaven.

POLE: Escape clause. Who’d a thunk it.

RIGOR: Also, since No Cocky was so damn smart, he replaced Satan when he got down here. Kind of runs things. We don’t see him very much.

POLE: Wow. So, all my friends are here, we have cold beer and there is trail that I don’t have to hare? Why is this hell?

Suddenly, an old woman in a babushka starts throttling Pole dance with a cane.

GRANDMA POLE: “Oh fat boy, if I knew you were coming I would have gotten a lead-filled cane.