Names of the Upstate Hash House Harriers
Names are important to hashers after all, we've been called pretty much every name in the book. A hash virgin is dubbed "Just" plus his or her true name; i.e.: "Just Mary." For the next few hashes, Just Mary is referred to as No F*****g Hash Name (NFHN) Mary. Eventually, after the fifth hash and having hared a trail, the experienced harrier receives his or her hash name, the name by which he or she will be forever known on the trail. Any other name (i.e., Mary) is considered a hasher's "nerd name." A naming can come early, however, should an unnamed hasher do something singularly stupid and/or name-worthy, generally while on trail.
Our hash names are generally lewd or suggestive or to some degree degrading or embarrassing or perhaps just downright vulgar. A hash name almost always requires some explanation, and if the hasher is vaguely uncomfortable explaining his or her name, then the hash house has probably done a good job naming that person. But your hash name is more than a source of embarrassment, it's a badge of honor and respect, no matter how begrudging that respect might be. And more: To all other hash groups, no matter where in the world you might follow trail, your hash name is a sign that you are capable of, and willing to do, incredibly stupid and adventuresome feats in the name of good fun and inebriation.
Following are the hash names and explanations for the names of many of the harriers who hash with the UHHH regularly in roughly date of naming order. roughly. With few exceptions, these hashers were named by their UHHH peers.
Quarter Pound Her: (October 2017) Prior to her first experience, they stopped at a gas station to purchase protection from a bathroom vending machine.
Sprocket The Wonder Goat: (October 2017) Said it was the name of the pet of a friend of his, and we couldn't come up with anything better.
Johnson In Johnson: (October 2017) Once pleasure himself with a baby bottle.
ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!!! (September 2017) Was way too forthcoming about her birth control options.
Pin Me Like A Couch Would: (August 2017) Once spent a couple hours trapped with one arm trapped between the sofa and the wall...
Accident Prone Bitch (APB): (July 2017) Spent more time on trail injured than not.
Sicilian Family Portrait: (June 2017) Regaled us with the story from his youth when he worked for a mobster in Sicily and a member of a different mob planted a bomb in his boss' house. "The walls were painted with the blood of his wife and kids".
Wait Just a Midget: (April 2017) Has a weird thing for little people.
Stare Master Bater: (March 2017) Gets off on a good workout.
DTF (Don’t Toss Flour): (February 2017) Named because people were being reminded that when it came time to don her with a name, not to shower her with flour because of a legit allergy. The acronym was particularly apt.
Foam Finger Me: (December 2016) Need the story!
50 Shades of Cray: (November 2016) A fan of the book, but she's a little out there...
There's A Small Child Inside Me: (November 2016) She was an adult, her conquest, almost. Renamed Sounds Whorible (Jan 2017)
Zero Dark Squirty: (November 2016) Formerly in the Army, he had to stop along the highway on the way home very late at night to relieve his loose bowels.
My Sister Tastes Better: (October 2016) Had to drink out of his own shoe on his first hash (in Germany) for wearing new shoes. Tried to screw over his sister the same way when he brought her to the hash, but didn't know Upstate makes the sponsor also drink out of the virgins other new shoe. He got asked which he preferred.
Lone Bone: (September 2016) Another story Grampa needs to get
Dynamite Comes in Small Packages: (August 2016) Husband of Naughty By Nature, she's the small package he comes in.
Naughty By Nature: (August 2016) Waiting for the story to add...
Surprisingly Submissive: (July 2016) She's a tall girl, so you'd not initially guess she's...
How I Met My Mothers Dildo: (June 2016) Pretty self-explanatory
No Doze On The Fro Hoes: (June 2016) He was guerrilla named at TNKY InnerHash... waiting on him to remind me the story...
Antique Rub Show: (May 2016) Pleasured herself in the parking lot of an antique store.
Vacunt: (February 2016) It's been a long time for her.
Defenestration Evacuation: (January 2016) Jumped out of a window to escape the wrath of the mother of her underage girlfriend. [Defenestration - the action of throwing someone or something out of a window, including yourself.]
No Thanks, I'm Gay: (December 2015) Had a rash of boyfriends who ended up with boyfriends.
Bible School Dropout: (October 2015) Apparently, Bob Jones University doesn't prefer their students to be lesbians. Who knew?
Falls for Balls: (October 2015) At a beer stop, was attempting to show off her soccer skills only to fall down. Oxymoronic since she doesn't like guys.
Crown Dick: (March 2015) Always drives former police cars, including the one she was gettin' some in when a real police officer knocked on the window.
Three Pricks At One Time: (November 2014) Named by GHHH, she passed out on trail due to a pulmonary embolism and ended up with three needles in her simultaneously.
Code Red: (September 2014) In school to be a doctor, once drank waaaaay too much red wine then was worried about her urine the next day. Once she got her degree, she was renamed Code Red, V.D (May 2016)
Spanks Of America: (February 2014) She works in a financial institution. She was later renamed Spank Bank for obvious reasons.
Frisky Mom: (January 2014) ???
Two Pound Wrapper: (June 2013) Um... five pound of meat in a...
Ten In The Den: (June 2013) Had a guy in her room... when her dad had a bunch of friends downstairs.
Two Girls, One Knife: (December 2012) She had an argument with a friend, who pulled a blade on her.
Urine The Family (You Remind Me Of My Brother, On Whom I've Pissed): (October 2010) For some reason, pissed on his brother in the tub.
HarshBrown Beat Down: (September 2012) ???
Quaker Cream Pie: (July 2012) *REDACTED*
Cracking' Open a Cold One: (July 2012) He had a nice collection of Girls And Corpses magazines.
Mama Hoes Best (As In WHORE): (June 2012) His mom used to sell special toys.
I Think I'm Gay: (May 2012) Someone seemed to be uncertain of their sexual preferences.
TimCain: (???? 2012) When we couldn't come up with a good name, someone thought it would be cute to name him his nerd name. We were too drunk to disagree. Later renamed That Guy (July 2012).
Spex Mex: (January 2012) Something about a speculum and a Mexican.
Lock the Door, Whore (October 2011) She was walked in on several times because she didn't know how to keep people out of the room.
Call Me, Asshole (October 2011) Named for mooning a bunch of drunken German girls at a full moon hash in downtown Stuttgart. One of the harriettes present thought he'd have a better shot with them if his phone number was written on his butt.
Pimple Rain: (September 2011) A two-parter. Someone who saw him pants-less that morning reported zits on his butt. When questioned if he had to get with a man, who would it be, he answered Prince without any hesitation.
Three Hole Punch: (July 2011) Claimed to have been simultaneously three hold qualified.
Hanger Banger: (July 2011) Originally named for an encounter she had in an aircraft garage, was renamed Stroke, Rattle, and Roll.
First In Ass: (July 2011) Temporarily avoided losing her virginity...
Would You Like a Side of Fries with that Shake?: (May 2011) Someone mentioned how fond they were of running behind her. After deciding that name was too long, was renamed The Other White Meat since she's so very pale. (July 2011)
oh Oh OH, Vomit: (March 2011) Climax isn't supposed to end that way.
Lady and the Tramp Stamp: (February 2011) While she was (somewhat) classy, it was discovered that the hubby has a lower back tattoo. Not our finest hour.
Midgets In a Lost Fiero: (January 2011) This is what happens when someone gives us waaaay too much information. He has some weird obsession about midgets, his wife got lost on his naming trail, and he has a collection of plastic Pontiacs.
Buffalo Wings: (August 2010) Hot sauce doesn't go well with oral.
Just Kick Me In The Balls: (June 2010) He likes soccer more than his wife likes him.
Hood Ornament: (June 2010) Was interrupted while "busy" with her husband on top of a BMW... by that cars owner.
Creepy Fucker: (May 2010) He has a panel van...
Sand Tramp: (May 2010) She once fancied a golf course as the location for an encounter.
JAG Off: (January 2010) Ex-Navy Judge Advocate General's Corps (JAGC). That's all we could come up with.
My First Asian: (January 2010) The morning after one romantic interlude, the gent made the realization that she was his first asian conquest. She's not asian. Oh, and her name must be sung.
Faker's Half Dozen: (January 2010) Made the unbelievable claim that his first sexual experience resulted in 6 orgasms for his partner.
Kindergarten Cock: (November 2009) An elementary school playground was also his playground...
Cumstang: (July 2009) Lost his cherry in a Ford.
Red Dick Blue Balls: (???? 2009) Name comes from an incident involving swerving down the road from a bj, a State trooper, and a hot cup of coffee as an “explanation”.
Rip Van Tinkle: (???? 2009) He managed to pass out, standing up, at a urinal in Barley's... more than once.
Italian Job: (???? 2009)
Habanero Handjob: (???? 2009) Named for a post-mexican dinner hand-job. He said it was hot.
Face Shot: (April 2009) Named this because she takes lots of pictures of her face. yeah, right.
Farteen: (February 2009) Lost her virginity at the young age of 14 and once released gas mid-coitus.
Phi Fi No Cum: (???? 2008) He was named this because he never had sex. and his name is Phi. So much for trying to NOT get named.
Hunka Hunka Grindin’ Love: (???? 2008) She works with grinding tools and something about Elvis.
Geri Hat Tricks: (May 2008) She works in a nursing home and had slept with three brothers out of five, hence the hat trick.
Grandpa YankMyDick: (February 2008) Received at the Red Dress Hash for having had two grandchildren by the young age of 40. And an odd taste for music by Weird Al Yankovic. Get it now?
Secret 3rd Hand: (Named ????) Originally named Much Cock Block for keeping married friends from hooking up on vacation, she was renamed in December 2008 for proclaiming to the kennel in response to questions as to why she didn't bring someone beer in addition to the armful of stuff she was already carrying, "It's in my Secret 3rd Hand"!
Foreplay for $1000: (January 2008) After refusing to actually answer any of our questions at her naming, she finally threw up her hands at yelled "what is this...foreplay for $1000!?"
Ripple Nipple: (January 2008) Originally named Engine-rear'd (December 2007) for some damn reason - she was renamed after snagging her nipple on trail causing a bloody aftermath.
Can't Find The G-Spot: (Named ????) Originally Deadeye Dick after we found out that he got her in the eye after pulling out during a first-time sexual encounter. Re-named Can't Find the G-Spot when he had to ask a civilian how to find the bar of the same name while heading to an On-After.
Red Baron: (Named ????) Named for getting his "red wings" during a game of "Never-Have-I-Ever" in college. Yuck. Renamed BJ's for Balls (March 2009) for striking out at SloshBall and doing a Bartles and James down-down.
Minty Knob: (Named ????) As a Citadel Knob his mentor was 6'8" tall. It only took a few beers to come up with Minty Knob.
Seaman Reefer: (Named ????) He works on refrigation units (he's a reefer). And he was in the Navy. It was too good to pass up.
Toys for Twats: (May 2007) She has a massive toy collection. For her twat.
He's Got Legs: (Named ????) After having worn long pants to every hash proceeding his naming, we were suprised to find out that yes, he does have legs.
Little Prick: (Named ????) He's a dentist. Get it. "It will just be a little prick."
JC Panties: (Named ????) She got caught stealing some panties from JCPenny as a 17 year old. She reminds us that she enjoys high-class undergarments, nothing but the best.
I Got Paid: (May 2007) Tall, blonde and a model, she once posed in front of a Kmart as a lifesize Barbie doll for several hours, scaring kids and making their daddies horny. When asked why, she said: "I Got Paid." Which, apparently, is still her motto today whenever it comes to unusual public acts.
Father of the Year: (May 2007) Named at the 100th Hash-Cinco debacle for bringing his decidedly underage son to a previous hash, where the young man did an admirable job running the keg.
Up Chuck Florist: (May 2007) "Chuck" because of his demented belief that he can kick box like Chuck Norris. The rest of it? Well, he is in nursing school.
Paper or Plastic: (May 2007) named after performing coitus on a young lady, the room was invaded by her mother, and he grabbed the only thing within reach to cover himself, which was a (small) plastic grocery bag. Renamed "I'd Mount Me" after making that comment.
Princess Lay Ya: (May 2007) She's Hawaiian, pretty, and whether the name is rightly earned or not, it definitely sounds good.
Ultimate Peculiar Smell: (April 2007) He is a shameless promoter of Ultimate frisbee and gets paid to sniff out mold.
7 Inch ProbeDD: (Named ????) She has a 7 inch metal plate holding her ankle together, drove a Probe, and well, DD speaks for itself.
One Night Weiner Stand: (Named ????) At the time of his naming, this hasher's day job was hot-dog vender. Then there was the story he told about kicking his dad out of a hotel room so he could have a one-nighter with a hooker.
Piss Pants: (Named ????) When she runs really, really fast, like while trying to catch a hare, she gets all wet. And, lets just say it's not from being excited.
Rear End Bonus: (Named ????) Since he hashes with his boss, we decided that instead of that time-honored tradition of the year-end bonus, REB probably receives this in lieu of remuneration.
Ho Mo: (Named ????) Poor, Mo. She is a great hasher, and a lovely lady, but as legend has it she is great at other things as well.
Mini Driver: (Named ????) Under drunken cross-examination, MD confessed to tossing midgets and being a submarine driver. And this was the best we could do.
Drama Queen: (March 2007) During a pub crawl, she was heard to lament loudly and dramatically about her lack of a hash name. The actress was, lets say, a bit emotional about her lack of nameature and was dubbed thusly.
Pink and Stink: (February 2007) Actually, One in the Pink, One in the Stink, but that's just too long. Named at Red Dress, he had lost his cherry in a tag-team match in a baseball dugout.
Whirlspools Bitch: (January 2007) he was made into a bitch by an older woman (she was 16, he was 15) in a country-club hot tub one steamy summer night. He earned the new name Skidmark on trail by skidding down a hill, over a few other hashers, on his head. He lost the hair and has the wound to prove it. (July 2007)
No Fuckin’ Hardware: (October 2006) His computer software company don't sell no fucking hardware.
BJ You: (October 2006) She did graduate from there, after all. If you need to know more, ask her.
Needle Thruster: (October 2006) In real life, he is involved in producing needle-thrust bearings. Sometimes this naming thing is just too easy.
Rubber Commando: (October 2006) He custom cuts foam rubber. Add that to his commando-style hashing, and you’ve got enough for a name.
Bloody Johnson: (Named ????) His first-ever sexual experience was in the back seat of his buddy, Johnson's, car. The sexual partner in question provided for the other half of this name. Once again, TMI.
Call Boy: (Named ????) The UHHH inherited him from Yugoslavia, or some damn Baltic state, and the name came with him.
Red Headed Slut: (September 2006) Proof once again that it pays to give lots of information when being interviewed in Circle.
Papa Don't Peek: (August 2006) Bless her heart, this hasher might be the apple of her daddy's eye, but that doesn't mean that she didn't once give him more than an eyeful!
Snake Fucker: (August 2006) A particular name of honor for an Upstate Hash House Harrier. This is the name that's always threatened, but never bestowed. Then it gets late and we were all hammered and voila! We hand out Snake F*cker. The alternate story is that he was leaving to go to law school, so it was decided he was becoming a...
Got MILF?: (July 2006) The mother of a hasher, Got MILF reported that as an infant, her daughter "sucked me dry." But because of her hard work staying fit - and some medical augmentation - Got MILF remains one of UHHH's favorite, well, MILFs.
Busted Cummer: (July 2006) Named for being interrupted by his mom while in self-gratification mode as well as being interrupted by cops while getting a BJ at age 18.
Grandslammer: (June 2006) Named after being arrested for trying to cross the West End baseball field during a game as well as a hash.
Meat Lover: (June 2006) Named as "I don't eat meat, but I really like the taste," but since that's like a whole book, it was immediately shortened to the current two words since she is vegetarian with an overly healthy libido.
I Waited For This: (June 2006) Waited to have sex with a male until age 24. And it was with fellow hasher: She's Hot, I'm Not.
Late Bloomer: (May 2006) Lost his virginity at an advanced age.
Dropped Trou: (May 2006) Named for dropping out of West Point, where “Trou” is the nickname for a female cadet.
She's Hot, I'm Not: (April 2006) Originally named since his girlfriend was a blonde cutie while he is decidedly not. He was renamed MinuteMan in 2008 based on story of his first sexual experience. We wanted to name him "59 minutes of foreplay and one minute of fun" or “1 minute of foreplay, one minute of fun, 58 minutes of crying” but those were too long.
Salty Wet Nuts - Was named, no info or date.
Never Gets Off: (April 2006) at Happy Heretics H3 during the "After the Bridge Run Hash" after shouting "I never get off" in a crowded bar.
Cock Doc: (March 2006) He is a urologist. Nuff said.
Rigor Mortis: (March 2006) Somehow had sex while passed out drunk.
Semper Felonious: (Named ????) This former Marine committed a series of incredibly bizarre crimes against man and nature before, during and after his stint in the Corps where he was ultimately honorably discharged.
Ass Pocket: (February 2006) after stating on trail, "I like putting things in my ass pocket.
Once Bitten, Twice Shy: (January 2006) A virgin hare, OBTS was named at the conclusion of her first hash, when circle was told by another hasher of an unfortunate run-in this virgin once had with a spider that had set up residence in her bathing suit, unbeknownst to her. She was briefly renamed as Squeals for Pickles in 2008 at a drunken on-after, but it didn’t wasn't hash-official and didn't stick.
Titty Titty Gang Bang: (January 2006) Originally named Butt Sex because she is a military ANALyst and was elusive with facts about anything else in her life. renamed February 2006 when information became available that she'd had a boob job and may like orgies.
Oh No, Not Butt Sex Again: (January 2006) The saga continues. Previously known as: Open Leg Rock Her; Butt Sex is Available (March 2006); Straight Up Nasty, Never Comes Anymore, Comes Infrequently...
No Cocky Bukkake: (January 2006) A businessman, he once theorized that a person could make money of a Chicken Bukkake Web site. Also named because he is anti-Gamecock, being a professor at Clemson.
I Do 4 Now: (May 2005) Named Rug Renovator, changed October 2005 to Rug Doctor. Changed to ID...FN December 2006, to more accurately reflect his many failures at marriage.
Chair Banger: (July 2005) While having sex in an SUV, noticed a chair in the back and asked his partner, "Can I have that?"
Seven Seconds: (May 2005) Named for his total time performance in a collegiate sexual conquest.
Pole Dancer: (May 2005) Originally named as Peggy Pullanasti during a drunken naming committee, but renamed Pole Dancer in Jan. 2006 to better reflect his dating of strippers and his Polish heritage.
Touch My Innard (TMI): (March 2005) for an affection for certain forms of foreplay. Any more information would be Too Much Information.
Prom Queen: (March 2005) when it was learned the 34-year-old was asked to the prom by a 17-year-old.
Moose Knuckle: (December 2004) What's bigger than a camel toe? A moose knuckle. Why was this dentist named that? His wife is an OB/GYN. Blame this name on plenty of cold beer.
Piss Tumble: (circa ????) Named at an Okinawa hash. It seems he was trying to relieve himself at the edge of a quarry when he fell in, pissing himself as he tumbled down to the bottom.
Narcoleptic Noodle: (circa 2002) Originally named as Ain't Getting Any, but renamed in early 2005 after being arrested while haring. He was apparently passed out drunk on a city street and reacted like a wet noodle when being escorted away by police.
Iron Pansy: (circa ????) Named Iron because he's from the Iron City, Pittsburgh, home of Iron City beer, and Pansy because he’s a landscape architect, and has an acute appreciation of flora.
Strokes Twice Daily (STD): (circa 2001?) Wasn't married and girlfriend lived in Atlanta and so he...
Buster Hymen: (circa 2000?) Originally named Lyman Hymen as a tribute to his hometown and because the pack felt poetic, but his name has mysteriously evolved into something more manly over the years.
Blewonder: (circa ????) Named at Biloxi (Miss.) H3 since he was in the Air Force.
Lady Long Legs: (circa 1991) Named at Emerald Coast (Fla.) H3. She's tall, female and the naming committee took pity on her since she's a school teacher.
Daily Newd: (circa 1990) Named at Emerald Coast (Fla.) H3. Worked for newspaper called Daily News and participated in a naked hash.