Names of the Upstate Hash House Harriers
Names are important to hashers after all, we've been called pretty much every name in the book. A hash virgin is dubbed "Just" plus his or her true name; i.e.: "Just Mary." For the next few hashes, Just Mary is referred to as No F*****g Hash Name (NFHN) Mary. Eventually, after the fifth hash and having hared a trail, the experienced harrier receives his or her hash name, the name by which he or she will be forever known on the trail. Any other name (i.e., Mary) is considered a hasher's "nerd name." A naming can come early, however, should an unnamed hasher do something singularly stupid and/or name-worthy, generally while on trail.
Our hash names are generally lewd or suggestive or to some degree degrading or embarrassing or perhaps just downright vulgar. A hash name almost always requires some explanation, and if the hasher is vaguely uncomfortable explaining his or her name, then the hash house has probably done a good job naming that person. But your hash name is more than a source of embarrassment, it's a badge of honor and respect, no matter how begrudging that respect might be. And more: To all other hash groups, no matter where in the world you might follow trail, your hash name is a sign that you are capable of, and willing to do, incredibly stupid and adventuresome feats in the name of good fun and inebriation.
Following are the hash names and explanations for the names of many of the harriers who hash with the UHHH regularly in roughly date of naming order. roughly. With few exceptions, these hashers were named by their UHHH peers.
Daily Newd: Named circa 1990 at Emerald Coast (Fla.) H3. Worked for newspaper called Daily News and participated in a naked hash.
Lady Long Legs: Named circa 1991 at Emerald Coast (Fla.) H3. She's tall, female and the naming committee took pity on her since she's a school teacher.
Blewonder: Named circa ???? at Biloxi (Miss.) H3 since he was in the Air Force.
Buster Hymen: Named circa 2000? Originally named Lyman Hymen as a tribute to his hometown and because the pack felt poetic, but his name has mysteriously evolved into something more manly over the years.
Strokes Twice Daily (STD): Named circa 2001? Wasn't married and girlfriend lived in Atlanta and so he...
Iron Pansy: Named Iron because he's from the Iron City, Pittsburgh, home of Iron City beer, and Pansy because he’s a landscape architect, and has an acute appreciation of flora.
Narcoleptic Noodle: Originally named circa 2002 as Ain't Getting Any, but renamed Noodle in early 2005 after being arrested while haring. He was apparently passed out drunk on a city street and reacted like a wet noodle when being escorted away by police.
Piss Tumble: Named circa ???? At an Okinawa hash. It seems he was trying to relieve himself at the edge of a quarry when he fell in, pissing himself as he tumbled down to the bottom.
Moose Knuckle: Named December 2004. What's bigger than a camel toe? A moose knuckle. Why was this dentist named that? His wife is an OB/GYN. Blame this name on plenty of cold beer.
Prom Queen: Named March 2005 when it was learned the 34-year-old was asked to the prom by a 17-year-old.
Touch My Innard (TMI): Named April 2005 for an affection for certain forms of foreplay. Any more information would be Too Much Information.
Pole Dancer: Originally named May 2005 as Peggy Pullanasti during a drunken naming committee, but renamed Pole Dancer in Jan. 2006 to better reflect his dating of strippers and his Polish heritage.
Seven Seconds: Named May 2005 for his total time performance in a collegiate sexual conquest.
Chair Banger: Named July 2005. While having sex in an SUV, noticed a chair in the back and asked his partner, "Can I have that?"
I Do 4 Now: Named Rug Renovator May 5, 2005; changed January 2006 to Rug Doctor. Changed to ID...FN December ’06, to more accurately reflect his many failures.
Oh No, Not Butt Sex Again: The saga continues. Previously known as: Open Leg Rock Her (January 2006); Butt Sex is Available; Straight Up Nasty, Never Comes Anymore.
Titty Titty Gang Bang: Named January 2006. Originally named Butt Sex because she is a military ANALyst and was elusive with facts about anything else in her life. renamed February 2006 when information became available that she'd had a boob job and may like orgies.
Once Bitten, Twice Shy: January, 2006. A virgin hare, OBTS was named at the conclusion of her first hash, when Circle was told by another hasher of an unfortunate run-in OBTS had with a spider that had set up residence in her bathing suit, unbeknownst to her. She was briefly renamed as Squeals for Pickles in 2008 at a drunken on-after, but it didn’t stick.
Semper Felonious: Named ????? this former Marine committed a series of incredibly bizarre crimes against man and nature before, during and after his stint in the Corps where he was ultimately honorably discharged.
No Cocky Bukkake: Named January 2006: A businessman, he once theorized that a person could make money of a Chicken Bukkake Web site. Also named because he is anti-Gamecock.
Cock Doc: Named March 2006. He is a urologist. Nuff said.
Ass Pocket: Named March 2006 after stating on trail, "I like putting things in my ass pocket.
Never Gets Off: Named April 2006 at Happy Heretics H3 during the "After the Bridge Run Hash" after shouting "I never get off" in a crowded bar.
Rigor Mortis: Named April 2006: Somehow had sex while passed out drunk.
Salty Wet Nuts
MinuteMan fka (She's Hot, I'm Not): Renamed in 2008 based on story of his first sexual experience. We wanted to name him "59 minutes of foreplay and one minute of fun" or “1 minute of foreplay, one minute of fun, 58 minutes of crying” but those were too long. Originally named April 2006. His girlfriend was a blonde cutie. He is decidedly not one.
Dropped Trou: Named May 2006: Named for dropping out of West Point, where “Trou” is the nickname for a female cadet.
Late Bloomer: Named May 2006: Lost his virginity at an advanced age.
I Waited For This: Named June 2006. Waited to have sex with a male until age 24. And it was with fellow hasher: She's Hot, I'm Not.
Meat Lover: Named June 2006 as "I don't eat meat, but I really like the taste," but since that's like a whole book, it was immediately shortened to the current two words since she is vegetarian with an overly healthy libido.
Grandslammer: Named July 2006 after being arrested for trying to cross the West End baseball field during a game as well as a hash.
Busted Cummer: Named July 2006 for being interrupted by his mom while in self-gratification mode as well as being interrupted by cops while getting a BJ at age 18.
Got MILF?: July, 2006: The mother of a hasher, Got MILF reported that as an infant, her daughter "sucked me dry." But because of her hard work staying fit - and some medical augmentation - Got MILF remains one of UHHH's favorite, well, MILFs.
Snake Fucker: August, 2006: A particular name of honor for an Upstate Hash House Harrier. This is the name that's always threatened, but never bestowed. Then it gets late and we were all hammered and voila! We hand out Snake F*cker.
Papa Don't Peek: August, 2006: Bless her heart, this hasher might be the apple of her daddy's eye, but that doesn't mean that she didn't once give him more than an eyeful!
Red Headed Slut: August, 2006: Proof once again that it pays to give lots of information when being interviewed in Circle.
Call Boy: The UHHH inherited him from Yugoslavia, or some damn Baltic state, and the name came with him.
Bloody Johnson: His first-ever sexual experience was in the back seat of his buddy, Johnson's, car. The sexual partner in question provided for the other half of this name. Once again, TMI.
Rubber Commando: October, 2006: He custom cuts foam rubber. Add that to his commando-style hashing, and you’ve got enough for a name.
Needle Thruster: October, 2006: In real life, he is involved in producing needle-thrust bearings. Sometimes this naming thing is just too easy.
BJ You: October 2006: She did graduate from there, after all. If you need to know more, ask her.
No Fuckin’ Hardware:October 2006: His computer software company don't sell no fucking hardware.
Skidmark: Originally named Whirlspools Bitch he was made into a bitch by an older woman (she was 16, he was 15) in a country-club hot tub one steamy summer night. Skidmark he earned on trail by skidding down a hill, over a few other hashers, on his head. He lost the hair and has the wound to prove it.
Princess Lay Ya: She's Hawaiian, pretty, and whether the name is rightly earned or not, it definitely sounds good.
Pink and Stink: Actually, One in the Pink, One in the Stink, but that's just too long. Named at Red Dress 2007. Lost his cherry in a tag-team match in a baseball dugout.
I'd Mount Me fka (Paper or Plastic): Renamed after making that comment. Originally named "Paper or Plastic" after performing coitus on a young lady, the room was invaded by her mother, and he grabbed the only thing within reach to cover himself, which was a (small) plastic grocery bag.
Up Chuck Florist:"Chuck" because of his demented belief that he can kick box like Chuck Norris. The rest of it? Well, he is in nursing school.
Drama Queen: During a pub crawl, she was heard to lament loudly and dramatically about her lack of a hash name. The actress was, lets say, a bit emotional about her lack of nameature and was dubbed thusly.
Mini Driver: Under drunken cross-examination, MD confessed to tossing midgets and being a submarine driver. And this was the best we could do.
Penis with Ears:
Ho Mo: Poor, Mo. She is a great hasher, and a lovely lady, but as legend has it she is great at other things as well.
Rear End Bonus: Since he hashes with his boss, we decided that instead of that time-honored tradition of the year-end bonus, REB probably receives this in lieu of remuneration.
Piss Pants: When she runs really, really fast, like while trying to catch a hare, she gets all wet. And, lets just say it's not from being excited.
One Night Weiner Stand: At the time of his naming, this hasher's day job was hot-dog vender. Then there was the story he told about kicking his dad out of a hotel room so he could have a one-nighter with a hooker.
Father of the Year: Named at the 100th Hash-Cinco debacle for bringing his decidedly underage son to a previous hash, where the young man did an admirable job running the keg.
I Got Paid: Tall, blonde and a model, she once posed in front of a Kmart as a lifesize Barbie doll for several hours, scaring kids and making their daddies horny. When asked why, she said: "I Got Paid." Which, apparently, is still her motto today whenever it comes to unusual public acts.
JC Panties: She got caught stealing some panties from JCPenny as a 17 year old. She reminds us that she enjoys high-class undergarments, nothing but the best.
Little Prick: He's a dentist. Get it. "It will just be a little prick."
He's Got Legs: After having worn long pants to every hash proceeding his naming, we were suprised to find out that yes, he does have legs.
Toys for Twats: She has a massive toy collection. For her twat.
Seaman Reefer: He works on refrigation units (he's a reefer). And he was in the Navy. It was too good to pass up.
Minty Knob: As a Citadel Knob his mentor was 6'8" tall. It only took a few beers to come up with Minty Knob.
Ripple Nipple: Originally named Engine-rear'd for some damn reason - she was renamed after snagging her nipple on trail causing a bloody aftermath.
Foreplay for $1000: After refusing to actually answer any of our questions at her naming, she finally threw up her hands at yelled "what is this...foreplay for $1000!?"
Secret 3rd Hand fka (Much Cock Block): Renamed in December 2008 for proclaiming to the kennel in response to questions as to why she didn't bring more beer: "It's in my Secret 3rd Hand"!
Yank My Doodle Dandy:
Can't Find The G-Spot: Originally Deadeye Dick after we found out that he got her in the eye after pulling out during a first-time sexual encounter. Re-named Can't Find the G-Spot when he had to ask a civilian how to find the bar of the same name while heading to an On-After.
BJ's for Balls: Renamed for striking out at SloshBall and doing a Bartles and James down-down. fka: Red Baron for getting his "red wings" during a game of "Never-Have-I-Ever" in college. yuck.
Long Story Short:
Grandpa YankMyDick: Received at the 2008 Red Dress Hash for having had two grandchildren by the young age of 40. And an odd taste for music by Weird Al Yankovic. Get it now?
Phi Fi No Cum: He was named this because he never had sex. and his name is Phi. So much for trying to NOT get named.
Face Shot: Named this because she takes lots of pictures of her face. yeah, right.
Habanero Handjob: Named in 2009 for as post-mexican dinner hand-job. He said it was hot.
Ultimate Peculiar Smell: He is a shameless promoter of Ultimate frisbee and gets paid to sniff out mold.
7 Inch ProbeDD: She has a 7 inch metal plate holding her ankle together, drove a Probe, and well, DD speaks for itself.
Red Dick Blue Balls:Circa 2009, Name comes from an incident involving swerving down the road from a bj, a State trooper, and a hot cup of coffee as an “explanation”.